When Life Gives You BPD

I can still remember hearing the panic in my mom's voice as she called my name over and over and I didn't respond or come out. I was hiding in the closet; hiding from the outside world, hiding from people, hiding from the feelings I had inside. I was 9 years old and this is when I first experienced depression. Eventually I came out as my mother went from slightly panicked to frantic. I couldn't cause my mom stress, how could I live with that guilt I'd give myself over it (that could be a whole other blog)! Fourth grade was a tough year. I was starting to develop, I had gained some weight, I was being teased by a few boys at school, and I was more aware of family issues that at a younger age I either didn't notice or didn't fully comprehend. I started not wanting to go to school and felt the need to be alone. I recall telling my mom how sad I felt without really knowing why. She called it "the blues" and did her best to comfort me and tell me I would ...

So what do you do when life throws you a curve ball? Not many people are eager to be hit with any kind of struggle let alone illness! Who wants to be sick? Not me, I can tell you that! But the plan for my life was to be sick, from a very young age. My sickness isn't one you could typically see or find a cure for. My illness is a combination of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. I've spent just over 30 years of being sick; some days, months, or years have gone by with little to no sign of illness and some days, months, or years have been filled with the anguish and turmoil that is my diagnosis. I was always an expert at putting on masks keeping my illness as hidden as possible; very few people to this day have seen me in what I call full blown Amanda. When it  did boil over I tried to shield those around me so my secret would be kept. My mental illness peaked in my twenties just before turning 21. At that time many of my symptoms could be masked and di...