Hiding in the closet
I can still remember hearing the panic in my mom's voice as she called my name over and over and I didn't respond or come out. I was hiding in the closet; hiding from the outside world, hiding from people, hiding from the feelings I had inside. I was 9 years old and this is when I first experienced depression.
Eventually I came out as my mother went from slightly panicked to frantic. I couldn't cause my mom stress, how could I live with that guilt I'd give myself over it (that could be a whole other blog)!
Fourth grade was a tough year. I was starting to develop, I had gained some weight, I was being teased by a few boys at school, and I was more aware of family issues that at a younger age I either didn't notice or didn't fully comprehend. I started not wanting to go to school and felt the need to be alone. I recall telling my mom how sad I felt without really knowing why. She called it "the blues" and did her best to comfort me and tell me I would be okay. My parents knew about the teasing I was going through and supported me as I struggled with it. I'm sure they figured me not wanting to go to school was due to the teasing. Let me tell you it didn't help but I wasn't the only reason. I was losing joy and interest in life. I didn't totally withdraw but I started hiding when I didn't want to face life or didn't know how to handle my feelings. It was a coping mechanism and even today, 31 years later, I will still use if things get to be too much.
The closet was small; it had a plastic shoe tower and a tall plastic shelf in it that left little room for me to squeeze between on the floor. It was perfect! It was quiet and compact. I could cry in the closet and no one would know (or at least that's what I thought). I felt safe and protected.
I did my best as a 9 year old in 1988 suffering from depression. I don't even think I had ever heard that word so I definitely didn't know that was what I had. But, there I was dealing with some big issues without professional help, hiding in the closet.
While the intense depression went away for many years I always was, and still am, a bit sad on the inside. I still retreat during major depression and become quiet and withdrawn. The difference today is that I have better coping skills than 9 year old me thanks to many years of therapy! I immediately look for the light. I immediately look for joy. I know there is a way out. I know I don't NEED to hide in the closet, but I CAN if I want to.
Eventually I came out as my mother went from slightly panicked to frantic. I couldn't cause my mom stress, how could I live with that guilt I'd give myself over it (that could be a whole other blog)!
Fourth grade was a tough year. I was starting to develop, I had gained some weight, I was being teased by a few boys at school, and I was more aware of family issues that at a younger age I either didn't notice or didn't fully comprehend. I started not wanting to go to school and felt the need to be alone. I recall telling my mom how sad I felt without really knowing why. She called it "the blues" and did her best to comfort me and tell me I would be okay. My parents knew about the teasing I was going through and supported me as I struggled with it. I'm sure they figured me not wanting to go to school was due to the teasing. Let me tell you it didn't help but I wasn't the only reason. I was losing joy and interest in life. I didn't totally withdraw but I started hiding when I didn't want to face life or didn't know how to handle my feelings. It was a coping mechanism and even today, 31 years later, I will still use if things get to be too much.
The closet was small; it had a plastic shoe tower and a tall plastic shelf in it that left little room for me to squeeze between on the floor. It was perfect! It was quiet and compact. I could cry in the closet and no one would know (or at least that's what I thought). I felt safe and protected.
I did my best as a 9 year old in 1988 suffering from depression. I don't even think I had ever heard that word so I definitely didn't know that was what I had. But, there I was dealing with some big issues without professional help, hiding in the closet.
While the intense depression went away for many years I always was, and still am, a bit sad on the inside. I still retreat during major depression and become quiet and withdrawn. The difference today is that I have better coping skills than 9 year old me thanks to many years of therapy! I immediately look for the light. I immediately look for joy. I know there is a way out. I know I don't NEED to hide in the closet, but I CAN if I want to.
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