When life gives you BPD you make...lemonade?
So what do you do when life throws you a curve ball? Not many people are eager to be hit with any kind of struggle let alone illness! Who wants to be sick? Not me, I can tell you that! But the plan for my life was to be sick, from a very young age.
My sickness isn't one you could typically see or find a cure for. My illness is a combination of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. I've spent just over 30 years of being sick; some days, months, or years have gone by with little to no sign of illness and some days, months, or years have been filled with the anguish and turmoil that is my diagnosis. I was always an expert at putting on masks keeping my illness as hidden as possible; very few people to this day have seen me in what I call full blown Amanda. When it did boil over I tried to shield those around me so my secret would be kept.
My mental illness peaked in my twenties just before turning 21. At that time many of my symptoms could be masked and disguised as a wild college girl finding herself. I was out of control, manipulating people, engaging in self-harm, and had few inhibitions. My symptoms waxed and waned over the years and I often found myself struggling but far more grounded than I had been. In 2006 I drove deep into the darkness and hit rock bottom. At this time it was one of the worst things that had happened to me. Looking back at this time after being in recovery, I found that this was what I needed to experience in order to seek and find recovery.
I spent many years being angry about my mental illness. I think it is a natural response when anything tough comes at you. We cry and yell out! "This isn't fair!" "Why me?!" "What did I do to deserve this?!" The list of questions goes on and on! Are we ever given an answer?
Whether or not an answer is received it is what it is. I've learned pretty recently that I have little control over things around me, that I only have control over my reaction (note: this wasn't and still isn't always easy or possible if my MI is flaring). All that can be done is to find a path to recovery, a reason to keep going, a purpose to our life (good news, there is one!), a moment or two thousand of joy!
~Amanda
My sickness isn't one you could typically see or find a cure for. My illness is a combination of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. I've spent just over 30 years of being sick; some days, months, or years have gone by with little to no sign of illness and some days, months, or years have been filled with the anguish and turmoil that is my diagnosis. I was always an expert at putting on masks keeping my illness as hidden as possible; very few people to this day have seen me in what I call full blown Amanda. When it did boil over I tried to shield those around me so my secret would be kept.
My mental illness peaked in my twenties just before turning 21. At that time many of my symptoms could be masked and disguised as a wild college girl finding herself. I was out of control, manipulating people, engaging in self-harm, and had few inhibitions. My symptoms waxed and waned over the years and I often found myself struggling but far more grounded than I had been. In 2006 I drove deep into the darkness and hit rock bottom. At this time it was one of the worst things that had happened to me. Looking back at this time after being in recovery, I found that this was what I needed to experience in order to seek and find recovery.
I spent many years being angry about my mental illness. I think it is a natural response when anything tough comes at you. We cry and yell out! "This isn't fair!" "Why me?!" "What did I do to deserve this?!" The list of questions goes on and on! Are we ever given an answer?
Whether or not an answer is received it is what it is. I've learned pretty recently that I have little control over things around me, that I only have control over my reaction (note: this wasn't and still isn't always easy or possible if my MI is flaring). All that can be done is to find a path to recovery, a reason to keep going, a purpose to our life (good news, there is one!), a moment or two thousand of joy!
~Amanda
Having a purpose, a "why", is a game changer!
ReplyDelete100% no matter what, no matter how bi g or small, you need to find something!
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