When Life Gives You BPD

Hi! My name is Amanda and I have a history of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. As you can see I don't "look" sick on the outside. That is the thing with mental illness, it is typically invisible. I was feeling happy when this picture was taken, truly happy. I hadn't previously felt like I anything was going to creep up (sometimes I can). Things can change quickly though. About 20 minutes after this picture was taken I my BPD was triggered, I had an anxiety attack, and I had suicidal ideations (no worries...no attempt, just thinking if I were gone things would be better, easier). I tried to stop it, I recognized the triggers quickly and attempted to stop it,attempted to escape, but it was not in my hands, and then it was too late. I panicked. I needed to leave. I was pinching myself to try to gain control. As soon as I got to the car I scratched myself. Self-harm has multiple purposes for me but it is something that makes me feel like I h...

Many people are surprised when I share that I have a history of and still deal with mental illness. I don't seem "crazy". I don't "fit the mold". I am so "strong" and "independent". I have my life "together". I've never had to be hospitalized, which is great. These things make it difficult for people to empathize or understand how I can truly have a mental illness (MI). Like many diseases, MI diagnoses have a spectrum of seriousness and a variety of symptoms that a person can have some or all of to be diagnosed. I have (high functioning)  Borderline Personality Disorder and anxiety. My occurence of depression is rare but even through those episodes I still functioned. If I didn't function people might talk, might judge, might think less of me. I couldn't disappoint anyone, or myself. Some of my striving to act or be normal and successful actually was driven by my MI, especially in my teens and 20s. I did well in ...