High Functioning My Way Through Illness

Many people are surprised when I share that I have a history of and still deal with mental illness. I don't seem "crazy". I don't "fit the mold". I am so "strong" and "independent". I have my life "together". I've never had to be hospitalized, which is great. These things make it difficult for people to empathize or understand how I can truly have a mental illness (MI). Like many diseases, MI diagnoses have a spectrum of seriousness and a variety of symptoms that a person can have some or all of to be diagnosed. I have (high functioning)  Borderline Personality Disorder and anxiety. My occurence of depression is rare but even through those episodes I still functioned. If I didn't function people might talk, might judge, might think less of me. I couldn't disappoint anyone, or myself.

Some of my striving to act or be normal and successful actually was driven by my MI, especially in my teens and 20s. I did well in school, have 2 masters degrees, have managed to successfully hold down a career and now a family as well. I still have fear of failure and rejection that fuel exacerbations of my MI. I don't feel a need or strive for perfection, never really have, but I don't like to be disappointed or to disappoint anyone (because then they might not love me, right?).

I have worn many masks to make myself look okay on the outside while I was in turmoil on the inside. If you ask me, I'm almost always fine or okay; nobody is always fine or okay but most people don't want the real answers.

I've lied to myself and others about what was really going on and who I really was/am. Sometimes it is easier to ignore the problem than deal with it at all. It definitely isn't something I ever wanted to bother anybody with, make my problem theirs. I stuffed my feelings down so deep I'm pretty sure there are still some hidden. 

The stress of keeping myself "normal" leaked at the seams many ways like: binge drinking, unsafe behavior, hard partying, lack of self-control, self-harm, shutting down emotionally (I didn't get the nickname "Ice Princess" for nothing!), acting indifferent, and more (yes more!). There were times these leaks turned into geysers and I was dangerous to myself, and probably others. (Edit - these were also, unbeknownst to me at the time symptoms of borderline personality disorder and not just stress induced behavior.)

I am thankful that even though I was difficult I had people stay with me. I am grateful for my therapist who guided me through these times and toward healing, and I am blessed to have grown into who I am today with knowledge, a voice willing to share, and faith that everything will be generally be ok, for real.