20 minutes later...
Hi! My name is Amanda and I have a history of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. As you can see I don't "look" sick on the outside. That is the thing with mental illness, it is typically invisible.
I was feeling happy when this picture was taken, truly happy. I hadn't previously felt like I anything was going to creep up (sometimes I can). Things can change quickly though.
About 20 minutes after this picture was taken I my BPD was triggered, I had an anxiety attack, and I had suicidal ideations (no worries...no attempt, just thinking if I were gone things would be better, easier). I tried to stop it, I recognized the triggers quickly and attempted to stop it,attempted to escape, but it was not in my hands, and then it was too late. I panicked. I needed to leave. I was pinching myself to try to gain control. As soon as I got to the car I scratched myself. Self-harm has multiple purposes for me but it is something that makes me feel like I have control when my environment or situation was out of control. It doesn't make much sense even saying or writing it but I feel relief and control (very important to my mind).
My episode was brief but it exhausted me. I cried because I had reverted back to "old ways" and I cried because when I tried to stop my trigger I wasn't respected. As always I crashed after and "slept it off".
The next morning I was still exhausted and wished things hadn't gone the way they did. But we can't live in regret or sorrow about what was but only move forward and know there hope for the future.
As I've gotten older my quick and frequent mood changes have leveled out as I'm usually even keeled buy they sneak back once in a while.
I'm grateful for my progress and grateful that I am in a good place of recovery. Frankly being sick sucks and it is exhausting!
I was feeling happy when this picture was taken, truly happy. I hadn't previously felt like I anything was going to creep up (sometimes I can). Things can change quickly though.
About 20 minutes after this picture was taken I my BPD was triggered, I had an anxiety attack, and I had suicidal ideations (no worries...no attempt, just thinking if I were gone things would be better, easier). I tried to stop it, I recognized the triggers quickly and attempted to stop it,attempted to escape, but it was not in my hands, and then it was too late. I panicked. I needed to leave. I was pinching myself to try to gain control. As soon as I got to the car I scratched myself. Self-harm has multiple purposes for me but it is something that makes me feel like I have control when my environment or situation was out of control. It doesn't make much sense even saying or writing it but I feel relief and control (very important to my mind).
My episode was brief but it exhausted me. I cried because I had reverted back to "old ways" and I cried because when I tried to stop my trigger I wasn't respected. As always I crashed after and "slept it off".
The next morning I was still exhausted and wished things hadn't gone the way they did. But we can't live in regret or sorrow about what was but only move forward and know there hope for the future.
As I've gotten older my quick and frequent mood changes have leveled out as I'm usually even keeled buy they sneak back once in a while.
I'm grateful for my progress and grateful that I am in a good place of recovery. Frankly being sick sucks and it is exhausting!
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