When Life Gives You BPD

Hi! My name is Amanda and I have a history of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. As you can see I don't "look" sick on the outside. That is the thing with mental illness, it is typically invisible. I was feeling happy when this picture was taken, truly happy. I hadn't previously felt like I anything was going to creep up (sometimes I can). Things can change quickly though. About 20 minutes after this picture was taken I my BPD was triggered, I had an anxiety attack, and I had suicidal ideations (no worries...no attempt, just thinking if I were gone things would be better, easier). I tried to stop it, I recognized the triggers quickly and attempted to stop it,attempted to escape, but it was not in my hands, and then it was too late. I panicked. I needed to leave. I was pinching myself to try to gain control. As soon as I got to the car I scratched myself. Self-harm has multiple purposes for me but it is something that makes me feel like I h...

Many people are surprised when I share that I have a history of and still deal with mental illness. I don't seem "crazy". I don't "fit the mold". I am so "strong" and "independent". I have my life "together". I've never had to be hospitalized, which is great. These things make it difficult for people to empathize or understand how I can truly have a mental illness (MI). Like many diseases, MI diagnoses have a spectrum of seriousness and a variety of symptoms that a person can have some or all of to be diagnosed. I have (high functioning)  Borderline Personality Disorder and anxiety. My occurence of depression is rare but even through those episodes I still functioned. If I didn't function people might talk, might judge, might think less of me. I couldn't disappoint anyone, or myself. Some of my striving to act or be normal and successful actually was driven by my MI, especially in my teens and 20s. I did well in ...

I can still remember hearing the panic in my mom's voice as she called my name over and over and I didn't respond or come out. I was hiding in the closet; hiding from the outside world, hiding from people, hiding from the feelings I had inside. I was 9 years old and this is when I first experienced depression. Eventually I came out as my mother went from slightly panicked to frantic. I couldn't cause my mom stress, how could I live with that guilt I'd give myself over it (that could be a whole other blog)! Fourth grade was a tough year. I was starting to develop, I had gained some weight, I was being teased by a few boys at school, and I was more aware of family issues that at a younger age I either didn't notice or didn't fully comprehend. I started not wanting to go to school and felt the need to be alone. I recall telling my mom how sad I felt without really knowing why. She called it "the blues" and did her best to comfort me and tell me I would ...

So what do you do when life throws you a curve ball? Not many people are eager to be hit with any kind of struggle let alone illness! Who wants to be sick? Not me, I can tell you that! But the plan for my life was to be sick, from a very young age. My sickness isn't one you could typically see or find a cure for. My illness is a combination of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. I've spent just over 30 years of being sick; some days, months, or years have gone by with little to no sign of illness and some days, months, or years have been filled with the anguish and turmoil that is my diagnosis. I was always an expert at putting on masks keeping my illness as hidden as possible; very few people to this day have seen me in what I call full blown Amanda. When it  did boil over I tried to shield those around me so my secret would be kept. My mental illness peaked in my twenties just before turning 21. At that time many of my symptoms could be masked and di...